Polite society dictates that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's why I haven't been blogging much other than pictures. Just kidding…sort of. This has been a long, intense summer. No school, no camps, no babysitters, no classes beyond a bit of swimming. Sure we go out to playdates with our friends and run errands (there are always lots of errands), but otherwise it's just the three of us together all day, every day. As always, Tom works late most nights and the weekends are far too short. So it's me…with two kids…and they are making me crazy. I'm counting down the days until school starts. The thought of going to the grocery store all by myself makes me almost salivate. I'm absolutely giddy about the four hours a week I'll have to myself while both kids are in school at the same time. (Maybe I'll finally have a chance to write my book. HA!)
"Oh, it can't be that bad," you say. I say, "have you met my kids?" Sure they are cute and can be quite sweet (Serafina often runs up, crashes into my legs, hugs me and says "I love you, Mama"). But they are also very dramatic, highly energetic and often violent. They are both capable of ear-piercing screams that they whip out more frequently than I think necessary. Based on the noise level, you'd think they were being attacked by lions. I assure you there are no lions in my home.
If my kids could blog, I'm sure they'd have a list of complaints as well. I feel like I've been losing my cool a bit more recently but I also fully believe they are getting more skilled at pushing my buttons. Leo has been doing a lot of back talking, complete with finger wags and hip shakes. Not cute. As pretty and dainty as Serafina might seem, she can be down right disgusting. She sat on a time out today for repeatedly spitting water on her brother. I'm sure they'd also like it noted that I'm not available to play as much as they'd like. I worry they'll look back on their childhoods and have only a vision of me standing at the sink doing dishes. I feel like I'm forever doing dishes. Leo says, "play with me, mom". But I've got to finish the dishes. The dishes never end. Neither does the laundry or the prepping of meals. We eat pretty healthy, but healthy takes work. I chop a lot of veggies. A lot.
The only upside to this is they end up playing with each other. They play complicated, made-up games and uncomplicated wrestling matches. There is a language that is all their own that I don't have access to but makes me smile to hear it, over the sound of the water running, while I stand at the sink…doing dishes.
Occasionally, I'm paralyzed by the thought of these two drifting apart, becoming cold to one another and disconnected. Sure they make each other cry as much as they make each other laugh, but they are so deeply intertwined right now. I don't want that to end.
School starts soon - August 27th for Leo, September 6th for Serafina - and it's hard to imagine sending Leo off to school five days a week. But wait, wasn't I just complaining about having them around all the time and anxiously awaiting my time without them? Um, yes. School means they are growing up, drifting away. That's hard to take. School means a moment's peace; that's easy to take. Leo is a little guy. Heck, he still naps a few times a week. And Serafina, well…she's my baby. How in the world and I going to strap a backpack to her and send her off to school? She can't even climb onto the potty by herself.
Is this how every approaching school year is going to feel? A melancholy over the loss of our precious time together even though most of that time felt like torture? But also excitement that they will be off to learn and grow in class. And the pure joy that I might actually be able to pee uninterrupted twice a week.
There is plenty of writing out there about the mixed bag parenting can be. But it doesn't cease to amaze me when I'm experiencing so many different emotions all caused by two people that I love more than anything and who make me more miserable than anything.
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